youstoodmeupforayardsale:

coolhotdad:

my perfect crime? I memorize the entirety of the macy’s store inventory. I then go on aliexpress.com and find exact replicas of every single purse in the store. I break in at 3am, and replace every purse with a cheaper version of the purse. I take my real purses home and open up an online store on the darknet featuring fake purses. I then sell these real purses as fake purses, making it so that when the feds catch on to my antics, they spend countless years trying to figure out who can replicate purses this well, and who is selling them. Soon an entire division of the FBI is dedicated to finding me and figuring out how my “fake” purses appear to be real. 45 years later they finally trace my ip address and break into my villa in texas and shoot me right in the leg when i attempt to flee. While this would normally not be a fatal wound, due to my constant devotion to my online fake real purse storefront i have suffered an iron deficiency for 35 years. My blood can’t clot and I start to bleed out. Turns out the woman who shot me was a girl who i made out with once in college, and she holds my dying body in her arms and asks me how my fake purses were so real. I spend the last moments of my fleeting life telling her about how every five years i break into a different Macy’s and replace all the purses, and that the purses I have been selling online for a severely discounted price were actually all real, and I have been doing this purely for the gag of it all. When my former college girlfriend gets home from work after rightfully murdering me for my crimes, she goes into her walk in closet, looks at the 13 gucci purses she owns, and realizes that they’re all fakes.

this passed the bechdel test

malfvoys:

this is the best twitter story i’ve seen in ages

owlsgrimoire:

amuseoffyre:

10andthetardis:

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

chaoswolf1982:

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

doodlesanddiscord:

thommquackenbush:

jennlyons:

jadelyn:

Are you fucking kidding me? Like, no, Shakespeare wouldn’t tweet a sonnet cause 140 characters is a bit short for that. Wrong medium. But you know what he would have? A very active twitter FULL OF DICK PUNS AND YOUR MOM JOKES okay. (And probably also a blog for the sonnets and longer works, that cross-posts links to twitter anyway.)

Get out of here with that pretentious anti-technology bullshit.

He’d rock the fuck out of memes. Don’t deny it.

Exit, pursued by a doge.

much run wow 

I don’t understand people who try to make Shakespeare into a pretentious thing cause he was basically an uneducated dick-joke making dude for the common masses. His historical plays are straight up fanfiction. There’s a scene in Macbeth where two guards are having a conversation as a dude pees on a wall. Get out of here with your Shakespeare snobbery.

ALL OF THIS

Also, the comment ‘Exit, pursued by a doge’ alone makes this worth reblogging :D

Heck, the line that’s based on, “Exit, pursued by bear”, only exists because Shakespeare couldn’t think of any other way to get rid of the character, so opted to have him attacked by a bear, which did not exist in the play before that moment.

He literally made a bear appear out of thin air, just to kill off a character, purely due to writer’s block.

“And then the bear gets him”

“…

…

The

The bear?”

“Yes the bear”

“Will

Will there isn’t a bear in this play

Where did the bear come from”

“A PLACE

And he exits the play pursued by it

It’s happening make me a bear costume”

“it’s happening make me a bear costume” lmao

Shakespeare even wrote Yo Mama jokes, like this delight from Titus Andronicus.

CHIRON: Thou has undone our mother.
AARON: Villain, I have done thy mother.

Shakespeare was so badass, he made his own words. Shakespeare wouldn’t tumblred the shit out of his poetry.

ladycanuck:

roah:

drawmeafteryou:

markntony:

vikingqueen:

shadowstep-of-bast:

carpeumbra:

No you don’t understand how frustrated I am that we always depicted the Apostles as old men, especially when it comes to during-Jesus-alive stuff.

They were probably late teens to early 20s, given the time and the description and some Biblical passages.

They were not ancient old men with long beards and wrinkles at the Last Supper.

They were young adult rebels with a cause.

where my punk-rock apostles at

I can’t remember where, but the bible says that Jesus was the only one who was old enough to pay the temple tax required by Jewish law, none of the disciples had hit that age. A quick google tells me that Jewish men pay it from the age of 20 - all of the disciples were teenagers.

Why this is possible:

• Probaly they were all underage except for Peter. In Exodus 30:14-15, Jewish law states that every male over the age of 20 is to pay a half-shekel as census offering when they visit the temple of God. In Matthew 17:24-27, Jesus instructs Peter to “fish up” this tax. Peter finds a shekel in the mouth of the fish he catches; enough to pay the tax for two men, himself and Jesus. You could conclude that the others were underage and did not need to pay.
  
• In Matthew 11:25, Luke 10:21, and John 13:33, Jesus calls his disciples little children .
  
• We learn that Peter had a wife when Jesus healed his mother-in-law. In those ancient times, a Jewish man receives a wife after the age of 18. Again, no other disciples’ wives are mentioned, so they are unmarried and probably under 18.
  
• Jewish children began intensive study at young ages, but education for most concluded by age 15. For those bright (or wealthy) enough, higher education consisted of studying under a local rabbi. If they didn’t find a rabbi that accepted them as a student then they entered the workforce by their mid teens. The disciples, already working-men, must have been rejected  by other rabbis when Jesus hand-picked them for further education as his disciples. In light of this, a younger age is more probable than older. A youth would be in the mindset of continuing his education. A man over 30 leaving his trade to follow a rabbi would be counter-cultural , although not impossible.
  
• The behavior of the disciples, as detailed in the gospels, fits well with the zealous nature and foolishness of adolescence. Picture a gang of teens instead of work-hardened men in the boat when the storm hit, fear-stricken and waking up Jesus for help. The forgetful and distracted nature of youth helps me understand how they could hear Jesus say he would die and come back to life, yet act as they did when these things happened. When we age them under twenty, we can understand Jesus’ patience with them, his low expectations of their behavior, and his teaching style.
  

so punk rock

This changed my life.

sorry but i’m laughing as i imagine them dabbing over some simple joke while jesus looks just tired and deadpan questions some of his life choices

The things they don’t teach you in Catholic school.

carpaydiem:

jackthevulture:

I’m gonna outlive donald trump i dont care how long i have to wait i wanna live in a world where he doesnt exist and I dont have to hear or see him 

Spite, fuel me

im not goin anywhere

god this was so uplifting to read

thivus:

itscolossal:

Artist Walead Beshty Shipped Glass Boxes Inside FedEx Boxes to Produce Shattered Sculptures

cant tell if pretentious or just petty about their experience with fedex

greatwhiteprivilege:

serbianslayer:

firefoxed:

why would a candle thats already lit want to be with a match

also her being lit is going to eventually melt her and reduce her to nothing

match guy is an abusive sadboy who thinks he’s the victim when candlegirl just wants someone who will keep her alive

im here for this analysis

just-gypsy-caroline:

dangergays:

My boyfriend broke up with me and my 80 year old, 5 foot tall, Indian grandmother told me that “there are lots of men…”

I thought she was then going to say “…in the sea” but she said “…they’re like flies” and made a disgusted face.

She hates flies.

I like the sound of your grandmother.